MrOrdinary to MrGymcredible
A bloke’s guide to fitness
Welcome on a journey
Each issue we will be following a month of my year where I went from ordinary to gymcredible using only will power and a small budget.
Part 5) Aug - Sep 2011
Stop the roller coaster
I want to get off!! By now the relentlessness was starting to take its tole. Eight months of porridge with water EVERY morning was no longer a treat. And don't forget it was only after month 4 I got the consistency right for the first 4 months I'd over cooked it so it resembled smashed up soggy cardboard.
This was also the month of the Anglian National Open Body Building Competition held in Great Yarmouth so you know what that meant.
Fish & Broccoli part 2
Oh yes like some relentless army it was back. When I was at my lowest it sensed victory and came to the party bringing its bloody bland green mates along for a good old time.
But borrowing from Vinnie Jones's character in the film Snatch. This relentless pest had got its party mixed up.
I hit the F&B like a crack addict measuring each 200x200g portion out perfectly and on the dot every three hours delicately devouring each and every morsel.
A particular moment remains in my memory. I'd managed to get a job working two days a week for a bath company and I was parked up somewhere near black cat roundabout in a lay by on a busy bypass.
I don't know what it was about that day but the broccoli was putting up such a fight and my only resolution was to drown it down with litre after litre of water.
A gag reflex is an interesting thing I suppose it's like your body's get out of jail card if it thinks your going to choke.
The thing that wasn't much fun about this one however was I'm sat directly behind my steering wheel and windscreen.
It wasn't how you imagine it in a comedy film it wasn't even like the scene from the exorcist. But it was enough to cover most of the central column of the steering wheel and some did indeed land on the screen.
Take a moment now to remind yourself where I am. The middle of nowhere, I'm tired, emotional, hungry, and stinking of fish and sick, this was F&B’s swan song, its final wave but it hit a sea wall not a sandcastle.
I began scooping chunks up with my hands from the steering wheel and chewing them down, this was MY 200g not a gram less not a gram more I was finishing every last bit, even the pieces that made it into the heater vents below the front screen, you know the ones that never get cleaned.
Yum I still had a week to go at this point but F&B retreated in the end, it was a fight it couldn't win. And as I continued onto the remaining 300 miles of my days delivery drop that smell even started to get sweeter.
So I had completed the 2 weeks F&B on a wing of a prayer now came the tough part!!! I had to dehydrate my body, apparently they do this to look more vascular and it is exactly how it sounds NO water, normally I do my research and consider myself very meticulous but I'd made a mistake and this could have been fatal.
In the lead up to this I had to drink 4 litres a day and an amazing 10 litres of water on the final day (let me tell you that day I stopped so many times on the side of the road for a pee I single handily changed the flood risk level in the Essex region. They were on red alert with dykes bursting banks all over the place)
But then came the dehydration part. I went an amazing 23 hours without drinking a single drop, even more if you count the part when I was SLEEPING!!
I remember ringing Jon who was taking part in the Competition and has been a massive fan of what I'd been doing he said "for god’s sake drink something" I don't know where the mix up started but I just remember not feeling that bad just a dry throat.
I took on a glass of water and my baron desert of a mouth momentarily gained a mirage of a tropical oasis.
The day of the Competition arrived and I was allowed to treat myself to a steak!!! If this doesn't sound much remember I'd tasted nothing but F&B and dry mouth for as long as I could remember so I got up extra early like a child on Christmas day and went to the butchers.
The measurements had to still be correct I think 150g or maybe a bit more, but I asked for the BEST most expensive steak and got it home, I looked at it all red and juicy heck I could even stick and egg on it.
It felt like I was 13 again and snuck into my mum’s cupboard to get the Grattons catalogue out; when I first looked at women in underwear it felt wrong but so right.
I watched the steak sizzle and took in its aroma; I think this must be how a lion looks at food. I paced around only just surviving the 5-6 minutes cooking time.
I don't need to tell you how it tasted you can just imagine.
On the way down to the event it was me, Matt, Brendan and his girlfriend. The heating was cranked up to the max to make me shed more water.
We got to great Yarmouth looking like we swam there and got backstage.
If a tanning product has to be applied with a roller from B&Q you get the feeling even Dale Winton would turn his nose up at it. This stuff went on thick and even had a slight hint of glitter
I got the ‘’10 min till you’re on’’ call with only half my right side covered so two other lads helped and the rest looked like it was put on with a shotgun.
I had no idea what the hell the concept of pumping up meant I'd just heard the organiser say I could do it here.
I'm not ashamed to say this as it WAS an open competition but I said to him "no I'm natural" he looked at me like I was 'special' and just went on his way.
I looked around and my competitors started doing press ups and doing a kind of I push you, you push me game.
I just sulked to the corner and began doing some pull ups on a ladder!!
I still to this day don't know why I did this but as we all gathered I announced I was NOT really Competition.
No shit Sherlock - I had legs that looked ripped right of a chicken a 30" waist and dream tan that looked like it was applied by SUPERMAN.... In a hurry.
But I continued and said it’s for charity, and then help came from a guy called Martin. He told me not to workout too much (my thinking was full body workout - his was to do a couple of stretches)
And then it happened my moment.
I stepped out on stage the lights so bright I couldn't make anyone's faces out. I had two choices sink into the darkness quickly; pull a few poses and leave.
Step out like the best thing to come from evolution, and display what I had like a peacock on a ladies only night. As top guns DANGER ZONE started to play I chose PEACOCK....... And here is the result.
Afterwards we all went to a pub across the road and everyone had fish and chips or mixed grill. I because of the Challenge chose steak again but I tell you something through a mixture of camaraderie and achievement it felt like a big mac all you can eat Ben and Jerry's extravaganza.
See you next time. Much love and double thumbs up MrG x